Sunday, September 30, 2007
it was the first saturday after the prelims. i woke up at 10 in the morning to an empty house, and the prospect of having the whole day to myself hit me like a big yellow school bus. The realisation came like an epiphany; i almost turned to theism that fateful morning. The emancipation!
i think i'm a closet introvert. i'm addicted to days like these with no appointments, nobody to entertain, no deadline to meet. for once, i can put down the public 'yunsong' and have a little rendezvous with my private doppelganger. that's not to say i'm being hypocritical when i actually do go out with people. it's just a different need - a need for some time with myself, to reflect, take stock of what i've been doing, and make sure i don't get lost in this hellhole of a world.
anyway, i was deciding what i should do that day. I could try some arrangements on the piano, continue writing the play i started eons ago on a similar day like this, or go on a date with myself. since the prelim exams were just over, i had to strike out the first two as they required excessive neuron activity. and thus, i decided to go on an adventure in the brave new world with me, myself and i.
fine, i admit it wasn't much of an adventure; i just grabbed a novel from my shelf, and headed off to my usual cafe where i lowered myself a few rungs on the evolutionary ladder to a latte-sipping, cheesecake-craving slug. i did, however, make it a point of making myself uncontactable. i left my phone at home, unintentionally or otherwise. The only trace of my whereabouts is a note for my parents telling them that i'm out, and will be back when i am.
This is one of the little decadent pleasures of my life (the novel happened to be "mr norrell and jonathan strange"). A few lattes and slices of cake later, i managed, to my great surprise, to ooze myself out of the couch with a much lighter wallet. and so, all good things come to an end. i got on the bus home.
the bus ride itself was mundane enough -- the same roads, the same buildings. i was actively trying to suppress my thinking about anything until the bus stopped at one bus-stop along jalan jurong kechil. there was a woman in her sixties standing at the bus-stop, clutching her brown leather handbag, with her eyes following her friend/sister/acquaintance/whoever who has just boarded the bus i was on. Oh, her eyes! they looked at her friend, at first with a quiet dignity, as though looking will will her friend into turning her head and wave her goodbye. As her friend moved into the bus, the desire in her gaze turned from a want, to a need, and then to a plea. Then, everything was too late -- the bus moved on. She looked away and then, I didn't see anything in her eyes anymore, but a cold hardness that tells of a silent resignation. Her friend turned, but a moment too late; their eyes never met.
The tragic irony! As the bus turned into toh tuck road, life goes on.
That day, while i was actively trying to keep to myself, her wordless actions cried out, "Be with me!" Whether it be for her fear of loneliness, or just her desire to be acknowledged, our lives juxtaposed each other for that 20 seconds when the bus stopped. I needed to be alone, while she needed to be with someone. I wonder if anybody else saw what i saw, felt what i felt; i have a nagging suspicion that someone looked, but did not see; listened, but did not hear; touched, but did not feel. Then, I thought about other things. Would I still be trying to be alone, fifty years down the road when i'm her age? Or would I be like her, staring at friends on buses in an ardent desire to be acknowledged, to have my presence felt? Would I be with somebody? Would someone be with me?
Suddenly, I was human again.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home